It's all over til next roster!

Thank you Jesus for only two night duties. Please Jesus can that continue until they tell me I don't have to do nights any more!

Thank you Jesus for portable water evaporative coolers (given by parents) that keep me cool during the very hot days I'm supposed to be sleeping in. Please Jesus let it keep working until we can afford air conditioning.

Thank you Jesus for keeping me awake until 5am this morning, when we finally got the last (of 5) patients back to the ward. Please Jesus, it'd be really nice on all those ladies in birth suite (and me!) if more of them can get their babies out without having to visit us (ok, it's not ENTIRELY selfish, is it?).

Thank you Jesus for the safe arrival of my dear friend Myf's baby. Please Jesus let her recover nicely and just keep falling in love more with her new little man.

Thank you Jesus for new DVDs to watch, a new MUSE cd to listen to, and new sleepwear to enjoy. Please Jesus let me find a nice maternity dress for the wedding, and some other much needed maternity items that won't cost me the earth!

I think that's my prayers for today...

Told a few people at work yesterday. Also put up a photo from our 12 week scan on my locker (which I promise I'll pop up here soon as B can scan them for me), which meant lots of other people came up and asked 'is that photo what I think it is?'. Is very nice being the centre of attention - and I do like all the hugs and cheers and everything.

I am sure, however, that I definitely want to go through labour; and that no amount of fourth degree tears/episiotomies/forcep & vacuum deliveries I see are going to change my mind and have me booking in for a 38 week c-section!

Now it's three glorious days off until I go back.

I Lift My Eyes Up To The Hills... (Psalm 121)

I was originally going to title this 'In the Storm', because that's what the last two weeks have been like.

After the Taylor's died, I honestly felt like God had decided to put his combat boots on and starting kicking my backside like never before. People talk about wakeup calls, and how it motivates them to do better and be better - that's what it was like. This was the trumpet sounding before the great assault.

And then more stuff happened. Little things. Scary things. Stuff that makes you wonder where the hell is God in all of this? It's not too much longer before you realise that God is right there, even when you can't see Him. That His hand is holding you up in the midst of the fury.

I cried a lot this last fortnight. Most people assumed it was grief, and yes, that did play a part in it. But more than that, it was the Holy Spirit gently pulling away some layers from me that I never knew existed. There's pain involved whenever God does this stuff inside you, and I was feeling a lot of pain as He reached in. But this was pain due to healing, and I had to go through it in order to grow.

I've felt like I've been stuck in a holding pattern for a long time. Coming home from Rwanda, I knew I was having to wait on God before going ahead and starting the process of serving the Rwandaise. Infertility puts you in a holding pattern, as too many of my friends are well aware of. When you are considering another person in all of this, such as a spouse, holding patterns increase even more.

But I know now that the season for holding patterns has gone. That I'm being asked to activate the vision I've had for so long. That there are no more excuses to hold me back. That I have been asked to serve, and the time for serving is now.

It's hard to articulate exactly how this makes me feel. There's still a lot of unanswered prayer out there, as it's never as simple as just going. There's a lot of barriers between here and there, that noone but God is going to be able to take down.

Am I scared? Yes

Am I unsure of my next step? Yes

Does this seem impossible? Yes

I don't have any easy answers for any of this stuff. I just know that I'm being told that now is the time to get my calling to Rwanda off the ground. And I'm holding on to God to show me exactly the path that I should take to get there.

Would you pray with me?

He Puts My Tears In A Bottle (Psalm 56:8)

Earlier in the week, I lost two people who meant everything to me growing up. Allan and Kari Taylor played such a huge part in my life as a child, and it is unbelievable to me that they have gone. Their passing was hugely traumatic for all concerned, and I can't think about them without crying.

I still remember mum and I heading off to Airley Beach for a holiday in 1985, only to find the Taylors running a COC camp up there. In an instant we were invited to join the bushdance that night - and there I am, four years old and in my favourite pink tutu being twirled around by Allan as I stood on his feet. Mum and I looked at the photo earlier this week and laughed and cried as we remembered.

Kari took on this hopelessly uncoordinated little girl and taught her all about first, second, third position in ballet. I still remember standing at the bar (which I couldn't even see over at the time), and her spending time on me, getting my feet right. I don't remember much from my ballet years - but I will never forget how to position my hands and feet, thanks to her.

Mr T gave me my first school awards. He taught me how to curtsey as I received my trophy and certificate I still have the video as he did his curtsey, and encouraged me to do mine. The whole audience erupted into laughter - yet another common trait of being around Allan Taylor.

Every chapel memory I have has Mr T in it. I remember one in particular (that has NEVER left me), where he shared his love of the word ENTHUSIASM. I can still remember him getting all of us to call out 'EN THOOS IASM' en masse back to him! That sermon about serving God with enthusiasm challenges me even now.

He was the Dad I never had. He never once made me feel that I was taking up precious time from him. He always ran to give me cuddles as I grew up, and made me feel that I was the most important person in the world to him.

Kari's joy was so infectious. As she danced and sang for Jesus, you felt inspired to reach for more and to serve God to your best ability. There were many times I watched her and my mum sing on stage together and couldn't wait to grow up and sing just like them.

Allan & Kari's marriage was a witness to everyone who observed it. I pray that as my marriage continues, I can grasp at least half of the joy and love they expressed to one another.

I am grieving for the fact that my children will never have the opportunity to meet the Taylor's. To be touched by them as I was. To be loved and treasured and educated by teachers like that is a blessing you never fully grasp until it's gone.

Heaven is in the midst of a big party, of that I am sure. I only wish I could see it.

God Bless you Mr & Mrs T - your impact can not be described in the words I have available today.

In memory of the Taylor's, I want to share this story, which I think embodies both Allan and Kari so completely.

The Starfish Story

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach

when he noticed a boy

picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…

“I made a difference for that one.”

Who Am I

I haven't actually been tagged for this, but I've seen this on a couple of the other blogs I stalk, and seeing that I can't actually hook up my camera and blog what I want to about the past week just yet, I'll do this instead.

Here we go.

What Is Your Current Obsession?
Apart from the usual (babies and Africa)? The most current one is probably Twilight. I know that's completely unoriginal, and that many of my friends are in exactly the same predicament - but hey, at least we can mutually appreciate the sadness that is our escape into Forkes.

What Are You Wearing Today?
Well excluding the very glamorous towel on my head, I am wearing my comfy jeans, teal long sleeved tshirt, purple polo neck 'skivvy', and my very fancy very new silver ballet flats.

What's for dinner?
I'll be at work during dinner (late shift for me, hurrah!), so it will most probably be spaghetti on toast.

What Would You Eat for Your Last Meal?
It would be a grand meal. First off the entree would be a delicious steaming bowl of mum's slow-cooked pumpkin soup. Then the main meal would be chicken schnitzel on a bed of sweet potato. Dessert would be a very nice piece of wildberry cheesecake, or mums apple cinnamon teacake. And then a platter of Maleny triple cream brie, proscuitto and olives.

Drinks would be Coffee Club Pine Lime Ice Frappe Splice for the entree; Forest Estate Pinot Gris for the schnitzel; Brown Brothers Dolcetta & Syrah for the dessert and then Irish Creme Latte (with Baileys) for the platter.

What's the Last Thing You Bought?
The ballet flats I'm wearing. Along with Dr Pepper for hubby; a scarf for me; and a pair of black ballet flats (it was a 2-pair deal!).

What Are You Listening To Right Now?
A lot of P!nk. Otherwise the 'fast song' playlist on my IPhone (again with the Pink, No Doubt, Powderfinger, U2, The Cat Empire, Muse and Evanescence).

If you could go anywhere in the world in the next hour, where would you go?
Rwanda, obviously. Passing that, probably London. Or Washington State.

Which language do you want to learn?
Kinyarwandan, obviously. I'd really like to go back to intensive French, just to get my speed up and the grammar down again.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
I love that my family is close by. I love the fact that we own this house, and that it's bigger and better than I ever expected to own at my age. I love that we are really close to the ocean, and also not too far away from the mountains. I love the sunshine in winter; and I love that we don't have the traffic issues of some other places.

What is your favourite colour?
Purple. Definitely. Although I do own a lot of black, white and deep blue in my wardrobe!

What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
It's a tie between two corsets. One is a deep red with black embroidery and the other is a blue with metallic-type gold woven through it. Couple either of these with my long black satin skirt and my calf length lace up 'emo' boots.

What were you doing ten years ago?
I was still recovering from my first breakup. Half way through my first year of my BNursing degree. Still living at home, and adjusting to mum's remarriage/the addition of stepsiblings/the new house.

Describe your personal style?
I'm very much a comfort girl. With my job, I really don't have the time or reason to be as quirky as I'd like. If I did have the time and the money, I'd probably have a look not disimilar to Abby in NCIS (minus labcoat).

If you had $300 right now what would you spend it on?
Totally unglamorous, but probably getting the drains fixed at home. Or, if I was going to splurge, a 2 day minibreak at the Marriott Gold Coast. With the breakfast.

What are you going to do after this?
Check that the upgrade to my IPhone worked. Then dry my hair and go claim money on medicare and get some more drugs.

What inspires you?
Reading about people who do an "Africa Change". People who work with NGOs in Africa. People doing medical work in Africa.

What are your favourite films?
Michael Caton-Jones' 'Shooting Dogs' has been my favourite for about 2 years now. I don't see that changing. Honourable Mentions include Amazing Grace, Sometimes in April, The Kite Runner and Juno.

Who's work/designs are you inspired by?
I'm very inspired by Bells, my blog & forum friend. We've never met, but I always find her blog posts about her latest clothing creations cheer me up and inspire me to get creative.

On a more 'Africa' front, and a different type of work entirely, I have been very inspired by Dr Catherine Hamlin (started Fistula Clinics in Ethiopia); Gemma Sisia (started the St Jude's School in Tanzania); Gary & Marilyn Skinner (started the Watoto villages in Uganda); Donna & Errol Spence (started the VANA village in Chivhu, Zimbabwe).

And I'm really inspired by my best friends Dion and Bek Allen, and their work in Zimbabwe (with VANA) at the moment.

Your favourite books?
We Wish to Inform You that We Will be Killed Along With Our Families (Phillip Gourevitch) is one of the most heart-wrenching and impacting books I've read in a long time.

The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini) is a book that I don't think will ever leave me.

And who could go past Austen?

Do You Collect Anything?
Cows! Soft toy ones. I don't really tell many people that, simply because I'm very particular as to the cows that come into our family, and I don't want to turn around and be overrun by cowprint one day. I'm sure you understand.

What makes you follow a blog?
Most of the ones I follow are written by friends. Although I do like reading blogs by people who are working in Rwanda. And I do read a few blogs by people going through infertility/assisted reproduction.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?
Probably the cup of coffee and piece of chocolate cake I just ate. It was a pretty lousy day before that.

What's one thing you dream of doing?
Living in Rwanda, with my children and my husband, running or at the very least working as part of an NGO based around women, women's health and children.

And, my final question...

Who's getting tagged?

Emma

Beck Head

Liz Mac

Kirsten

(I'd tag the Allens too, were it not for no power and limited internet access when they DO travel to get emails and read blogs!).

Moving Churches

I've been keeping something a bit close to the chest recently. We told some friends, but not all - and that was purely a safety measure until we knew exactly what we were doing.

We moved churches.

That probably sounds very minor to some people, but it wasn't for us. We'd been going to a particular church for seven years and had considered it our home for a very long time. We'd made friends there and had seen it grow from quite a small Church to almost a monolith in some respects.

However over the last couple of years, both of us started feeling 'itchy'. There were various things that occurred that really started showing us we needed to move on. I made a commitment to stay and see what God had for us - but God clearly and dramatically showed us late last year that our time was up, and we were to move.

It was quite a slow process at the end of the day! We prayed over it and talked over it lots before deciding. And even when the decision was made - it was really terrifying in some regards. I've never 'moved Churches' quite like this before, and we weren't really sure where we'd end up.

Can I say though, that we have been blessed by the Church we've started attending! I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. It was quite daunting starting from scratch where we really only knew two people - but now it's like we've been there for decades.

I am so thankful for this change in our life, and I'm really looking forward to what God has for us here.

Things my non-Christian friends say, think, feel and wonder about Christianity

Sometimes I find myself in a discussion about Christianity, even when I don't plan to be.

Most 'regulars' at my work know that I'm a Christian, and although I wouldn't be "obvious" about my faith (ie. I'm not evangelising in the corridors!); they know it by the fact I talk about Church and the ministries I'm involved in. And I don't mind answering questions from them if they crop up.

Over time, I've learnt a lot from my non-Christian friends. Growing up in a very sheltered family and school, where all my friends and family and networks were with very strong Christian people, I really had no interactions with people who didn't have a relationship with Jesus, and I was what I'd call naive about the whole concept of life without Jesus.

So anyway, I thought I'd use my blog today to write down a bit as to statements and beliefs about Christianity that I find are quite common amongst my non-Christian friends. I should preface this by saying most of them would be a mix of agnostic, or 'nominal' Christians at best.

Maybe those of us reading this as Christians could pause and reflect on these comments and statements as we read them.



Christians make out that life is so much happier and better with God. Why the heck aren't they happy then? All the one's I've seen are grumpy, miserable and look burdened by the demands their faith puts on them.



Christians tell me I won't be truly happy until I accept Jesus in my life. They talk about how miserable their life was before they accepted Jesus into their life. I am exceptionally happy in my life right now, and it's all going brilliantly. I don't think your God could possibly make it any better.



How come Christians have so many rules? How come that Christian over there has to tithe, and you don't? My friend said you have to be baptised if you're a Christian - how come you aren't? Why does it matter to God if men sleep with men; or I sleep with my boyfriend; or she sleeps with her girlfriend? Doesn't he have more important things like world poverty to worry about?



You say your 'calling' is to work with refugees. I do that too - but that's just my desire. It's not a religious compunction, and wanting to do that isn't a 'calling from God' - it's just the way you live your life.



"Happy clappers" drive me nuts. They are all on drugs. I walked in there and had to walk straight out. All that screaming and yelling and speaking in tongues. And the way they make you all have to dress/act/think the same, or be kicked out. Why on earth would you want to go there?



It's ridiculous to try and shape your life around a faith. Fair enough if it's just a 'portion' of your life - but to make it the central part? How stupid can you get.



Churches are far too clique-y. I used to go, but noone would talk to me and I never got invited to anything. I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot barge pole. They don't like new people.



Aren't we all supposed to love each other like Jesus? Well how come then when people found out I was living with my boyfriend/gay/heard me swear - I was suddenly no good for them.



So yeah, that's what I'm hearing more and more often as I hang out with my non-Christian friends. They have no desire to be like us, and think we are hypocrites.

How do you deal with this in your daily life? If my Christian friends have any comments - feel free to share how you deal with this. And if my non-Christian friends would like to add to my statements, I'd love to hear from you as well.

I find these statements very interesting. I don't have answers for a lot of them - some of them I think are very true.

Christianity is in the middle of a big change now. No longer does liturgy seem to inspire people as it once did. The charasmatic turns of the 70s and 80s scare people off more often than not now. And the traditional 'shape' of Church is alienating more and more every week.

From the Modern Church to the Post-Modern Church. Things are a'changing.

Just a Girl (or maybe not)

I admit I'm a bit anxious about writing this post. It's another one of those posts where I feel I'm stripping away part of my 'mask' and the fall-out could be interesting.

Every now and then, I'll get an odd comment coming my way. Usually something to do with the fact that I don't appear to be 'feminine'. That I seem different to most women out there. That I seem to be running from my 'inherent femaleness' (I didn't make that up - someone actually said that to me).

I guess I get amused by comments like that. And then I get angry.

If you know me well, you know that stereotypes (particularly when it involves gender; and ESPECIALLY when the word 'Biblical' or 'Godly' gets tagged onto that) really, REALLY annoy me.

I know I'm going to be sitting through a 'what men want' discussion in my near future - and I'll admit that the idea makes me shudder. Simply because, from my experience thus far, it doesn't seem to match what my husband wants or likes or feels. Usually, the 'what men want' discussions and books freak me out - because they are more likely to describe ME!


And last I checked... I'm a girl.


I remember back when we were doing our premarital discussions and reading a lot of books about men and women and marriage, and most of them annoyed us. There were all these discussions of roles and needs and what was 'normal'; and it really just didn't fit with the people B and I were.

The things B was supposed to want - I wanted. The things I was supposed to need - B needed. I was the one with the higher sex drive. He was the one who needed more romance. I hate cooking. He loves it. He loves Jane Austen more than I do! And I'm the one with the more advanced phone (although he's not that far behind me now).

B and I don't believe in 'roles'. Apart from the Great Commission and Acts 1:8 ones, that is. We both are submitted to one another in our marriage. The only one who leads is God. The person who makes the final decision in our household generally is the one that

a) Knows the most about the issue
b) Is going to be the most influenced by the decision
c) Cares the most about it

But in those rare times that we can't agree on a decision (or work out who SHOULD have the final say) - we just don't make a decision. Not until we are both in agreement; and would agree with that decision even if the other person wasn't involved in the discussion. It's very rare that we don't agree quickly - but thus far, this approach (not deciding until we both agree the same way) works wonderfully.

We did try the whole 'man is the leader of the house' idea when we first got married. Simply because we were told that was what we should do, if we wanted a Godly household. It didn't go so well. In fact, it nearly destroyed our relationship.

So now, we just do things according to our personalities and interests and what each other is good at. Irrespective of our gender. And it works fantastically.

*****

And then you get to what girls usually talk about. I'll admit - most of these conversations make me want to tear my hair out! It's always been like this. I remember at school writing in my diary how inane girl conversations were and how much I wish I could hang out with the boys more.

I relate much better to guys. I love talking about technology and trucks and combat strategy and 'changing the world'. And guys debate SO much better! You can rip each other's arguments to shreds, and still walk away good friends. With girls, that can be really difficult.

And I don't get the giggling about sex and periods and those other taboo topics. It's probably because of my job - I talk about sex and reproduction all day EVERY day, that it's almost second nature. Sadly, I've gotten into trouble over this more than once. When I hear girls groups talk about sex and the menstrual cycle, I often have to excuse myself cos I just can't deal with the giggling and blushing and stammering! It really annoys me.

*****

And then we get to the clothing.

I hate most girls fashion and makeup. It just seems like SUCH a waste of time! I could spend an hour in the bathroom - if I wanted to torture myself *grin*,

But when I 'go girly' - I go WEIRD girly. Like the full on corset and velvet skirt and punk-style knee high boots. And the makeup - blood red lips; jet black eye makeup and very burlesque/goth.

*****

And the hair. I hate long hair. I hate styling my hair. Just brush it and get on with it.

But, If I'm going to 'do' my hair - it's going to look like a pixie and either be red-purple or black-blue. Something decidedly 'ungirly'.

*****

I remember growing up feeling like God had put me in the wrong body. That I was supposed to be a boy. Especially when I started reading books about what women wanted, what boys wanted, and what a Godly wife looked like. I really struggled with this. Especially as everything they said a man would want/like/need was what I wanted/liked/needed. It was so strange!

It took me a while to get over that. I had to get to know a whole different group of men and women to see that I wasn't alone, and that there was nothing unGodly about the way I carried out my life. That I wasn't *wrong* simply because I didn't enjoy the things girls were *supposed* to

I'm a lot more confident now. I still have to be careful not to be so worried about what others will think. And I am learning to speak up if I disagree with a stereotype.

I still freak people out. I think a lot of people see that I don't fit the 'box' all that well and due to teachings and upbringing think I must be waylaid somehow.

Rest assured I'm not. I'm just different. God made me very different to most girls! It's pretty cool actually.

I think being like this helps me reach out to girls who feel a bit 'different'. Who wonder if their thoughts and emotions and desires are 'wrong' simply because they are usually prescribed to the men of our world. There's a lot of girls struggling out there because of these stereotypes. Especially in the Church. I wish I could tell them all that it's okay not to fit a stereotype. Hopefully they will get to know people who can share this with them in a way that makes sense.

I'm not about to change. Let's rip the box apart, shall we? HEE HEE!

The Hermit Arises

I often find myself alone.

It doesn't really bother me that much. I am a loner, always have been, and I quite like being by myself. I think it's because I was an only child. I learnt early on how to keep myself entertained. I recharge best when I'm on my own; and I can only take large groups in small doses. I'm much happier in a group if there's only 2 or 3 of us, and it's relatively quiet.

Thing is though, it can tend to isolate me from others. I don't get invited out much to things, and I find myself just hanging out with Brad, most of the time.

Being involved in a Church can make this personality trait quite interesting. It's all about groups and fellowship and 'connectedness', and something I regularly hear - 'God made us for fellowship'.

I don't feel made for fellowship. Or rather - I don't feel made for the fellowship often described. Large group things like a Church service or Womens Group or the like. The best fellowship for me is with one or two friends around for coffee or a swim or a day trip. Or a picnic bible study with 2 or 3 friends.

It's an interesting thing, being a Christian who doesn't appreciate large groups. To be honest, I'll often skip Church due to it all being too much to handle; or find myself longing for some quiet and space whilst I'm there.

As a result, not many people know much about me. I'm a bit like the strange Aunty everyone knows is there, but doesn't know what to do with.

I don't think it's wrong to be this way. I think it's misunderstood by a lot of people. I think I come across like a snob or rude, or just 'weird'. Especially when I'm with a lot of people.

I feel a lot of pressure from others to be social and involved. I don't quite know how to deal with that. I put myself out there, and I do try to get involved; but it just exhausts me. I do like being out with a small group of friends; and it hurts when I read facebook updates and know that I've been left out of an outing again. It's not a nice feeling. It's noone's fault (I am fairly certain most people wouldn't think of me when they think of doing something); but it bugs me.

I guess when this year rolled around, it made me think of things that disappointed me about last year. A big one was to do with my lack of friends. Although I have people I call 'friends'; we really don't have that connectedness that most friends would have.

Maybe that's my resolution for 2009. Make a concerted effort to connect better, and have a 'best friend'. That'd be nice.

Happy Pill Overdose - rants from the Christian subculture (Part Three)

Mythbusting Christian Music on a Matchstick Scale

So now let's move onto the Christian Music Industry. Primarily Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) - which is a monster in America, and continues to grow.

Note - not talking about Praise/Worship songs; or the monolith that is that industry. Just the normal, 'sing along in the car' style music pumped out by the Christian Music Industry in Nashville and the like.

Myth One: Every song should praise God.

This is one I particularly love.

There seems to be some kind of rule which says that if you've formed a band, and that band is full of Christians - your songs should from then on always be talking about God, how much we love God, how wonderful He is, etc etc.

Not saying that's a bad thing - just the fact that the minute a singer or band writes a song that DOESN'T have this as it's foundations - they get accused of 'backsliding' or have questions like 'how can they call themselves Christian - they don't even sing about God' fired at them.

I think this gets covered by that great object called a 'Christian band'. I've never really understood this phrase.

Is a band not a 'thing'? Not a person, not a human being - just a 'thing'. The humans in it, yeah sure, they can be Christian - but can a 'thing' be a Christian thing?

It makes as much sense to me as 'Christian pebble' or 'Christian milk'.

I agree that the humans in said band (who could be Christian) could agree that the lyrics they write will be primarily about praising God and glorifying His name. But I feel sad when I see amazing bands with Christian artists in them (think Flyleaf, for example) get pushed out of the Christian music industry, because they write a song that doesn't mention God by name.

I remember this with Amy Grant (yep, I'm old - 80s child through and through). Suddenly the woman writes 'Baby Baby' rather than the El Shaddai style songs she'd been known for - and she gets yanked from most Christian radios, music promotions and music shops.

(Yes, more came out of that down the track, but my first memories of the scandal was the fact she wrote a love song to a man, rather than to God).

I didn't understand it then; I still don't understand it now.


Myth Two: You can't sing about grief, depression or failure.

I think I touched on this a bit in the Film rant I posted earlier in the week.

Christians (your 'suburban' type, as well as those in big industries such as film, tv or music) often seem to have a problem with people admitting that life can be awful for a Christian.

We might admit it privately to friends or family, but it can really cause controversy if you announce it on a large scale. Whether that be from the pulpit, from a movie, or in your music.

We will always support someone who is struggling - but often there is not much more declared in movies or music with the 'Christian' tag apart from 'when you find Jesus, all your problems are solved'.

I'm fairly certain my blog readers are nearly all Christians (or have grown up in a Christian home), so I'm fairly sure you all know this isn't the case.

Some of you, like me, still struggle (or have struggled) with fertility issues, despite your faith. Christianity may have helped you cope - but it didn't necessarily solve the problem (congratulations to you if it did - it hasn't for me).

Some of you still struggle with depression, despite having a strong relationship with God. Again - your Christian walk may have helped you cope (via support from others, talking to God, etc); but it didn't make it go away.

Some of you have gone through divorce, though still being a strong Christian. Or been victims of violence or abuse or infidelity or any other number of things that destroy a marriage. We hope sometimes that being a Christian would save us from that - but it doesn't.

So why can't we sing about this? Or why, when we do sing about it, do we have to always have the tag line of 'but Jesus solves this for me'. Yes, Jesus does put His arms around you; yes, being a Christian often gives you a ready made support network to help lift you up during trials; yes, being able to talk to God like most Christians do can help lift the burden a lot more. But it doesn't necessarily make the problem go away.

I just hope and pray we can be a bit more honest in our music (like our films) about this. That some days it is just 'one foot in front of the other'. That some days, life still sucks. That I do want to yell at God some times. That the platitude of 'God cares' sometimes makes me feel worse. Just some honesty (and encouragement of bands and artists who speak this honesty) would be nice.

As much as I know I'm biased; I think the reason U2 speaks to me so much is the fact that they honestly talk about grief and depression and feeling 'lost', with a Christian theme a lot of the time, without it going back to 'paint by numbers' solutions that a lot of overtly Christian music does.


Myth Three: You always have to be a 'happy' band. God wouldn't like goth or 'dark' music.


What band or artist are considered 'popular' in Christian music? What do you usually hear when you tune into Christian radio (if you do that)? Is there a nice little undercurrent 'theme' that runs through all these bands and artists?

Usually happy, usually light, bright and airy, usually what I like to call 'bubblegum pop'. Something akin to Adult Contemporary Rock on any other radio station, right?

Goth, heavy metal, thrash? That usually gets hidden away and when you mention a name like Demon Hunter or Flyleaf or Underoath and most Christians will give you a look like 'whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??'.

It's sad that we aren't more aware of these bands, and don't suggest them to others. It's sad that when we hear of a metalcore/goth band made up of Christians, we question if they can really be Christian as 'Jesus wouldn't like that style of music'.

Wouldn't He? Why wouldn't He? Last I saw, Jesus seemed quite an alternative kind of guy, who tended to avoid the 'traditionals' for those who were a bit on the 'fringe'. And if those on the fringe did turn to Him, and spend time with Him, He didn't try to make them 'fit' the biscuit mould of 'Christ follower'. He told them to sin no more; but he didn't also say 'now you have to listen to this and this and this, and dress like this, and watch this' at the same time.


As you can probably tell, I'm a bit alternative. And I see a lot of fellow 'Alternative' Christians get judged unnecessarily, simply because they don't have all the popular Christian songs on their Ipods; or wear goth clothes; or like Metallica and Radiohead more than they like Michael W Smith or Twila Paris.

And I just find that a bit sad.

(ps. In case I haven't plugged them enough - if you like a bit more 'alternative' style music, and are keen to find if there is a Christian niche for this - try looking up the websites www.firestream.net or www.angelicwarlord.com).

Happy Pill Overdose - rants from the Christian subculture (Part Two)

Mythbusting Christian Film on a Matchstick Scale

There are a few 'myths' I've come across whilst looking at Christian film and music, believed by people when they 'excuse' Christian film not being as tightly packaged or delivered as the Hollywood Blockbusters.

(For the record, I think some Hollywood movies are pretty crap too, and that we shouldn't have to 'excuse' poorly delivered Christian films, but that's neither here nor there right now).

Myth One: Christian movies don't have a hollywood budget, so they can't be as good as a secular movie

I hear this SO much when debating this issue! We need a budget of 1 million PLUS to make a popular, interesting film. The Christian film industry doesn't have that, so it's automatically going to be less 'polished' than a movie made by the big corporations (WB, 20th Century Fox, et al). So we just need to accept that, and like it anyway.

That is untrue.

There are 3 movies I can think of, off the top of my head, with very small budgets that were fantastic quality, excellently delivered and also made a good showing at our local cinema.

Juno was a perfect example of a movie with a small budget, that still was received with praise by critics, and loved by the every day film watcher at the same time.

It had a strong message, characters that evoked feeling from the viewer, and was brilliantly made - even if it wasn't so 'polished'.

There is no reason that Christian film makers can not do the same thing. Sure their budget may be small, but with the right people in place, something 'small' can be wonderful.

Myth Two: If we don't have the Gospel message displayed obviously through our film, noone is going to grasp it.

Too often in Christian films, the emotions of a conversion scene, or a strong relationship of God is often destroyed for a viewer due to a 'cookie cutter' approach.

Instead of leaving the symbolism to speak for itself, for some reason there's this massive fear that someone will miss it, if we don't have the big booming voice explaining in detail what's going on.

(I should add that Hollywood especially is not void of being too 'obvious' with their message - but the best movies are those that allow symbolism and subtlety speak for themselves).

People, generally, are intelligent enough to know the subtext of a film, more often than not. You do not need the 'paint by numbers' approach to Christianity tacked on like some little 'extra', to show someone's heartfelt relationship with Jesus Christ.

The other problem we run into when we do this, is being so afraid of offending any particular 'subsection' of Christianity, that the film just loses it's sensitivity and genuineness entirely. Yes, there are different groups that will demand to see certain things, when agreeing to finance/support a Christian film - but at the expense of reaching the very people we're supposed to be catering to?

We do this SO much in Christianity, and sadly it ends up with our 'pop culture entities' (whether that be film, tv, music or even our more famous Churches), becoming a laughing stock to the wider community.

If you would like to see some amazing films that don't lose their subtlety, and still have a strong message of Christianity and redemption, please consider films such as Chariots of Fire, and Amazing Grace. N.B. Please don't let something like the word 'arse' being used, taint your whole opinion of said films.


Myth Three: Coming to Christ solves everything

Sadly amongst our community, we often (not always deliberately) come across as though we're saying 'come to Christ, and all your problems will be solved'.

This is never more evident than with a lot of Christian films lately.

Have a marriage problem? Convert, and this will be solved.

Suffering depression? Convert, and it will go away.

Infertile? Convert, and God will bless you with a baby.

Not that I'm condoning a 'works' doctrine - but these things don't necessarily get solved or 'go away' when you ask Jesus into your heart.

It still takes work. Counselling, medication, psychology is still often JUST as important after you have Jesus in your life, as it was before you did.

So why do we show this as being 'truth' with most, if not all, of our Christian films?

If it's leaving me with a feeling of anger that we're deceiving non-Christians like this - imagine how the non-Christians feel!

There is a definite feeling amongst pop culture Christianity that 'we can't talk about bad things'. To pretend like they don't exist once you become a Christian. To not share that despite your relationship with God, you still struggle with depression/infertility/mental health issues/etc.

Yes, Jesus can certainly (and does in a lot of instances) make it easier to deal with issues in your life, and can often provide an avenue to help treat the issue, that may have not occurred, prior to asking Him into your heart.

But trust me - most of these issues are not solved solely by praying harder, reading my Bible more, or having my backside in Church every Sunday.

Those things can often open up doors to healing - but they are not the 'bandaid' we often make them out to be.

And we shouldn't be perpetuating that in our films.

In my next article, I'll be discussing myths that abound in Christian music, and how we present our music to the world, more often than not, alienates and has people laughing for the 'cheese' we manufacture.

Again, please do not think I am against supporting our Christian film industry. I am definitely keen on viewing the majority of Christian films I hear about, and am still open to their message. And I do appreciate the hard work that so many of them put in to 'preach the gospel' through this medium.

But I just get frustrated with the mentality that NOT liking a Christian film, or highlighting 'flaws' instantly means I am doing the wrong thing as a Christian.

I just think we can do a heck of a lot better than we usually do.


(ps. I thought it good to note that tomorrow I'm going to Church - and I'm going goth).

Happy Pill Overdose - rants from the Christian subculture (Part One)

Now, I was very upset at not getting any comments over my Mac/PC parody ads, so I expect you all to 'up your game' and let fly at me over this one! (I get in so much trouble when I start writing these posts; self-edits come flying by thick and fast, I tell you!).

All this started about 3 days ago, when I launched into a debate over Christian Art with a bunch of fellow Christians. There was a movie coming out that people seemed to be falling over themselves to go see, and I honestly felt I was going to burnt at the stake when I mentioned that I really wasn't interested - and admitted that I had cringed when I saw the trailer (due to the way it was presented)!

So, after dressing myself in flame-retardant overalls, it got me to thinking about Christian subculture, particularly in the realm of movies and music, and how I just don't 'get it', most of the time.

Honestly, I think a lot of Christianity seems to have taken a massive overdose of happy pills. The industries of film and music often seem very 'milk toast' to me, and I have to admit I don't like a lot of what my fellow friends and family seem to enjoy.

I HATE Contemporary Christian Music, 99% of the time. There are bands and artists I love (Rebecca St James, Delirious and Brooke Fraser mostly); but the majority are the kind that I'd rather stick a needle in my eye, than listen to.

The problem that arises from this, however, is that there can often be a lot of pressure amongst Christian groups (Church, Bible Study, Youth Group, etc) to go see something/support something, simply because it's "Christian". Many times I've been privy to conversations about 'let's go see this movie so that the theatre is packed, and the cinema has to screen it for longer'.

The last movie I did this for, it turned out to be an excellent thing. It was Amazing Grace, and I loved it. I've gotten that movie out so many times on DVD, I think the store manager was at the point he'd just roll his eyes and pass it to me on my way in. I've since convinced my husband that it was a necessary addition to our DVD library!

However, I always feel a bit 'off', when encouraged to 'flood' a cinema, or continually order a movie at the video store, simply because it's Christian. In some ways, I think that it prevents the Christian Film/Music industry from improving, if we keep supporting what is often, sadly, mediocrity. Sometimes I think the need to 'get the message across' often destroys what can be absolutely beautiful and amazing films. Subtlety and symbology often are destroyed due to needing an overt description, or 'paint by numbers' approach to the gospel message.

As a result, there can be a lot of 'cheese' - and friends don't let friends eat really bad cheese.

This can get me into a lot of trouble with people. As evidenced by the conversation I had a few days ago.

Anyway, I realised that I'm more likely to run from Christian subculture things, than run to them with my arms wide open - so I thought I'd go see if there were 'fringe dwellers' amongst the music industry that I actually enjoy.

My deepest darkest secret when it comes to music is that I love heavy, metal, guitar-driven, goth/thrash artists. I am a MASSIVE fan of Rage Against the Machine. I have (secretly) enjoyed Nine Inch Nails for a few years now. And I have never EVER admitted this to anyone, save my husband, who also has a small interest in said bands.

(I should add that there are 2 other artists I'm thinking of now, who I also like, but mentioning their names is far too fraught with danger!).

Evanescence wrote a song called 'Tourniquet', which really spoke to me on a spiritual level when it first came out. However, I found that Evanescence were globally rejected by the Church, due to being too pagan or dark or 'just plain miserable'. Which is sad, because the majority of the band align themselves with Christianity, and were unable to join the Christian market because of the assumptions had because of their goth/dark 'themes'.

I wear goth clothes. I LOVE my corsets and velvet skirts and knee high lace up combat boots. I am in love with Amy Lee's wardrobe. Most of my Christian friends who read this post will probably be shocked by that admission - because I never wear these kinds of clothes at Church. I'm the 'jeans and t-shirt' girl. I would love to wear more of my medieval/gothic stuff; but it's not the place for it. Sadly, assumptions get made when I have worn these kinds of clothes, so I don't wear them half as much as I would like to.

And now I've found Demon Hunter.


Demon Hunter are a Christian metalcore band from Seattle, who, if I didn't listen closely, I'd assume were either Rage Against the Machine or Slipknot some of the time. And not a 'poor imitation' of metal/goth, which some Christian bands sadly fall prey to. The picture I posted above (a demon skull with a bullet through it's head) is their trademark.

"Not Ready to Die" in particular has become one of my favourite songs lately, and I currently have the album on pre-order with my husband for Christmas.

The band speaks out quite forcefully against the 'blandness' that Christian subculture often falls into the trap of, often unnecessarily.

They also are very honest about the fact that being a Christian doesn't suddenly turn everything 'happy chappy clappy'. This is not something that often gets displayed through Contemporary Christian Music (CCM).

I guess I just get so frustrated by the approach that I should be supporting something, simply because it's 'Christian', that I had to write this post.

Yes, absolutely, I think it's important to encourage those who are trying to bring Christianity to 'the masses'.

But do we have to then 'water it down' so much that it in turn alienates people, or turns them off?

I don't think so. And I think that the majority of things labelled as 'Christian' often get so heavily censored for a Christian audience, that they end up missing the very people they are wanting to reach out to.

Continued in part two...

Mac v PC - in Christianityland

Do you ever feel like someone on YouTube has just channeled your life and feelings?



Note before this one - I love you mum!...

And one that reminds me of a conversation I had not so long ago



These clips were created by a Church who were trying to grapple with the idea of modern Christian thought versus the traditionalist. Having been friends with people who have dropped the word 'Christian' due to the baggage it brings; having struggled with a lot of Christian subculture issues myself; and having had these very conversations!; I think they are a good launch pad for talking about Christianity, and what to do with it.

I'm currently reading a lot about the challenges of 21st Century Christianity, and how to bring it back to something more 'organic', so watch out for more clips and musings on Contemporary Christianity and the Organic Church.

(if you'd like to read an interview with the creative director who oversaw the project, head to http://faithvisuals.com/help/articles/creatingaviralvideo.html)

FINALLY!

I get to talk about Rwanda at Church tomorrow! (Insert happy dance here).

Without saying too much - I have been dying to talk about Rwanda on a more 'formal' platform. Not to show how great I am going off 'saving the world' (pfft, I'm not QUITE that glassy eyed!) - but more because it's become such a passion of mine, and I've wanted to share it with people. It has been very hard watching other team members get the opportunity, and not be able to do it myself. I've had to watch the 'green eyed monster' more than I like to admit.

Our Church has it's Self Denial Appeal running at the moment. In a nutshell - each year the Salvos highlight a mission of some description, and encourage members to donate to it. The 'self-denial' part is to try and give one week's salary. We don't (with a mortgage, that's impossible!); but we give substantially to it.

Anyway, our Church is having people who are involved with missions come up and talk about the way they've been involved - and how those ministries survive on donations such as those made during Self Denial.

And yesterday I got asked to do this Sundays. It's only two minutes, and it's focussed around SDA - but it's something.

This is going to be interesting. I'm going straight to Church after night duty - so let's all pray I am coherent enough to make sense.

I'm going to spend most of the time talking about Muhunga (the new outpost that is thriving) and the Kigali preschool (impacting the entire community, despite its many limitations).

This is such a massive opportunity for me.   There's SO much going on at our Church, that 'stage time' is considered very precious, and it's not often opened up for things like this.  So to be asked to share my experience is like WOW!

I'm so excited.  LOL!

Back at home

I must admit that it's been a challenge to be back at home. Don't get me wrong, I love the perks of being in a first world nation, it's been great to see family (including those of the 4 legged variety) and AWESOME to be back with Brad; but there has been a lot of challenges at the same time.

I miss Rwanda

I didn't really say it in the journals I wrote whilst I was away, but Rwanda grabbed my heart more than I ever expected. I knew it would (I'd been impacted enough by the reading I've done for the past 3 years to know it would), but not to this extent. There's so much I want to do there, so much that I feel I'm supposed to do there, so much that shows me it could well be 'home' - that I am finding it quite difficult knowing that I can't go back just yet.

I cry every time I look at my photos, and I never do that. Sometimes I don't even realise I'm crying until Brad comes in wondering if I'm okay. There's a huge ache going on inside me to the extent that I shy away from talking about it, just in case I can't keep it together.

I miss the people I met over there. Major Stephen and Major Grace; Captain Emmanuel and Captain Dancille; Major Daniel and Major Archette are the ones that stick out the most. And then there's the feet first delegates such as Sapphira and Rosemary and Chris. They all touched my heart so much with their grace, friendship and generosity, and I find it very hard being so far away from them.

I even miss the environment! I miss looking out on what is, quite literally, thousands of hills and the villages scattered about.

This place has gotten into my blood, and I simply can't shake it.

I'm lonely

As hard as I found it somedays to always be part of a team, and not having the private times I so desperately crave in my life; I really miss the constant companionship I had in Rwanda.

Our team was simply awesome, and it's very strange to wake up and not have Damien talking 'Bubba Gump' speak in one ear; and Nickey writing down all the Kinyarwandan she can; and Clint being all 'fecused' towards all of us. Not to mention Sharon journalling; and Liza's 'do you know what I mean's following me around; Simon's quite reflections; Kirsten's (Christina's) gentle words of encouragement and Paul's general sense of direction in all we were doing.

It's been oh so quiet the past week, and it's amazed me how much it's bothered me. The only people I've seen or talked to are my parents and Brad - and although it's been awesome, I feel very lonely. I long to be asked out for coffee to talk about things, or just the simplest of phonecalls from friends, just seeing how I'm getting on. Simeon (another Project 1:8 leader) rang me as a follow up on Wednesday and I almost cried with relief to have someone to talk to about it. Poor Brad has to sit here and listen to me yabber on about it (not to mention blubber all over him about it!), whilst all the while I'm trying to be quiet so I don't overwhelm him. Thank God I get to go to Church tomorrow and work on Tuesday so I have people to socialise with. Being cooped up in the house is driving me the slightest bit insane.

Who knew the introvert might actually CRAVE company for once! It makes me laugh just thinking about it.


So yeah, that's my week. So much happens in three weeks and it's hard to put it into some first world context.

Journal entries for Rwanda

As promised, here are the journal entries for Rwanda. These are in order, but cover a number of days at a time.

Enjoy!

*****

10 Jan 2008

Hello from Rwanda!

Well now I get to send my own email, and I’m really excited. It’s nice to be able to send you a more personalized note, letting you know how I’m getting on as part of the Project 1:8 Rwanda team.



As most of you know – I didn’t arrive on the day that was expected (Friday). Our flight out from Brisbane had mechanical problems in Cairns, so arrived 2 hours late to pick us up. We arrived in Hong Kong to find our flight gone. The people at Cathay Pacific were lovely though, and got us on a flight to Frankfurt, Germany. 3 hours there, then on to Ethiopia (via Sudan) and we stayed the night. God blessed us and for $20USD we got transfers to a hotel, accommodation for a night, and breakfast, as well as transfers back to the airport.



Sat morning at the Ethiopian airport there were many dramas, and they almost didn’t let us on the flight (they didn’t like the delay/reroute pass Cathay gave us), but at the last minute the gate opened for us. So we got to Rwanda at about 1pm Rwandan time. And everyone was VERY relieved to see us! Poor Paul's phone hadn't worked, and we didn't get the new number until the morning in Ethiopia (Saturday), so he had NO idea where we were!



We got to see the Kigali Genocide Memorial Centre, which was heartbreaking and amazing at the same time. So much pain in this country, yet the reconciliation projects have been awesome in bringing the whole country back together. You’d never know on the streets how bad it was, 14 years ago.



The people here are beautiful. We have learnt lots of Kinyarwandan, and I also get to speak a lot of French, which I love. They speak Kinyarwandan, French and a little bit of English (the government wants everyone to be fluent in English). Apparently my French is very good, so they speak a million miles an hour to me, and I have to slow them down all the time until I pick up all the words!



We love the Feet First conference. Everyone is so willing to learn, be taught and also share with us their experiences at their own corps. We have 21 delegates, from all over Rwanda, and it’s just been awesome to spend time with them. Every day we go to the Church (Corps) @ 7am, and don't leave til about 10pm. Except tonight - it's about 7:45pm Rwandan time as I send this. We got a free night, which we REALLY needed!!!



Every afternoon at 5pm we run a Kids Club for the kids in the community near the Church hall (corps) with the delegates. So far it’s going very well, and the kids all love us. They all want to hold the Mzungu’s (white person’s hand), so it’s hard when there’s so many of them, and so few of us (with only two hands too!). Somehow we understand each other, and there are lots of cuddles, tickles, chasings and singing.



Our rooms at the Red Cross Guest House are awesome. We’ve had hot showers with good pressure almost all the time (last night we had good pressure, but only cold water), and electricity. We feel very blessed! I share a room with one of the other girls on the team, and we get on really well.



The food has been excellent as well. Lots of vegetables, chicken, mince, beans, peas, potatoes for lunch/dinner (we also usually get bread at lunch for sandwiches), and hard boiled eggs. Breakfast is usually bread, and occasionally we get boiled eggs or omelettes. And there is LOADS of tea to drink! Sometimes we get coke/fanta as well, so we’re very spoilt.



As a team, we get on famously. Lots of laughs, but also great encouragement and support from everyone. We’ve been really well most of the time – only a couple of sore tummies and sore feet (I haven’t had anything bad). My sunscreen and mosquito repellant is working well – no bites or burns yet.



We get free time on Friday, and we have to go renew our visas, as they only last 2 weeks (and the second week we won’t be in Kigali to do it). Saturday morning is also free – so I might get more phone credit and email chances then. We’re also going to go to the Hotel des Mille Collines (Hotel Rwanda), and the Belgian Memorial on one of these days. I’ve been told that my sms seems to work (my phone doesn’t like calling out though!), so hopefully I can send some on.



Saturday afternoon we go to a rural corps – Kyenzi, about 50km away (1 hr drive). It is very primitive – no running water, no electricity, sleeping on the Church floor, etc. We are excited about it – we feel a bit ‘alien’ so far, with all the creature comforts we’ve received.



We will go to the next rural Corps (Muhunga – also called Gitarama) on the Thursday, and we stay in a hotel there (albeit very basic from what we’ve heard). But it will mean electricity, hot water, and running water again!

It is such a blessing to have you all praying and thinking of me during this time. I love Rwanda, and I feel humbled that I am here serving God. It feels like I’ve come home, and I hope I can come back one day.


God bless you all, and I will write again when I can.

*****

12 Jan 2008

Today is our last day in Kigali (it’s pronounced ‘Shi-gali’) before heading out to Kyensie. It’s about 1:30pm here, it takes just over an hour to get to Kyensie, and we will be there til Thursday morning.



The rest of Feet First was amazing. We made such great relationships with all our delegates – it was a very special time. On the last night we had an ‘Acts 1:8’ night, which was a commissioning of sorts, releasing them in the Holy Spirit to be equipped to serve as God would have them, back in their Corps (Church). The last morning we washed their feet, which was very alien to them, to be served by white people. All of them have said how much they enjoyed being with us, and learning what they did.



I have a Kinyarwandan name now – it is Umufasha, which means helper. They were finding my name quite tricky to pronounce, so as Sascha means helper of mankind, I wanted to have the word for ‘helper’ in their language. So I’m using it all the time now.



We are all very healthy and happy, and loving our time over here. As I said in my last email, it very much feels like I’ve come home in a way. I struggle sometimes with a western mindset, so to come to a country that seems to desire the same things I do – it touches my heart. I have been quite teary at some points over here, with the love, generosity and connection I’ve experienced from and with the people and culture here.



Kyensie will be quite interesting. There is no water in the village (it will be brought in by buckets every day), no heating, no electricity. And drop toilets (basically a cement floor with a hole in the middle). The drop toilet doesn’t bother me – more the issue with flies and the fact that they aren’t ‘great shots’ (if you know what I mean!). Sometimes it would be MUCH easier to be a boy in these countries. Like yesterday – I was in heaven as I finally got to wear jeans again (I’m over skirts – hate the things)! I was praising God the whole time!



But, I really do love it here. God is teaching me heaps and keeping me safe, and my heart is wide open.



Here are my prayer points for the next week.


Health and safety for Kyensie (especially with the risks in regards to water, mosquitos, hygiene and food).
Great connections with the people
Good sleep (we will be sleeping on mattresses in the church hall)
Ongoing cohesiveness with the team (we’ve been great thus far)
I’m doing devotions on Monday – pray for God to guide my words



As for communication, we expect it to be non-existent with the outside world. I am going to try my phone and see if I can get connected to Brad/Mum, but I doubt it.



Whilst we are there we are leading the service on Sunday, meeting the district leaders (Government), meeting with a school and a health care centre, running a kids club, and walking up a hill to see the view at one stage. Every night one of us is leading the devotions (as I said before).



On Thursday morning we will leave for Muhunga (some maps still refer to it at Gitarama). We will be staying in a hotel apparently during that visit, and it’s expected (from talking to the Salvo leaders here) that it will be quite modern, and actually nicer than the guesthouse we’ve been in, in Kigali.



We don’t know the plan for Muhunga yet – we probably won’t until we get there. We are there from Thursday til Monday – so we’ll be in the service Sunday morning (and Sunday school), but we don’t know anything else. We come back to Kigali on the Monday afternoon, so we will DEFINITELY be contactable again at that point, if it’s proved impossible in the other districts.

Well that’s all from me for now. I hope this finds you well, safe and happy. God bless you all, and I will be in contact again when I can.

*****

18 Jan 2008

Muraho from Muhunga!

Muraho! Umukuru? I'm great. Sorry if the spelling is wonky - this is a European keyboard and the keys are in all different spots! Very tricky for us touch typers!

Anyway (ahh we found a way to retrain the computer to read an English keyboard, even when you type on a European style keyboard - much quicker!), we are now in Muhunga, and it's about 8:45pm. We arrived here around 4pm this afternoon.

Our time in Kyenzi (Kinyarwandan spelling) was amazing. This little town right in the mountains, feeling like you're at the edge of civilisation - just... I can't even find the words. The captains at the Corps (Church) were so beautiful to us, I can't begin to tell you how much they served us. They have five children of their own, and are responsible for a very big district (from a Salvo perspective), yet they did SO much for us during our time with them above and beyond what was necessary.

We had bucket baths for 5 days (small bucket, two jugs of water - one hot, one cold, and 'top and tail' clean); a porcelain toilet that didn't flush (for number ones!); and a bunch of drop toilets exposed to all and sundry (a small half-building with no walls, dirt floor, and a hole in the middle) for your number twos. God was awesome and 'clogged' me the whole time, so I just dealt with the porcelain. Sorry if this is too much information - trust me when I say it has been the MAIN conversation topic for the past 5 days between the team, so nothing is sacred any more!

I should add that I didn't wash my hair for 5 days (none of the girls did), so all of a sudden the ability to hide as much of my hair as possible was quite the necessity!

There was no electricity, so we spent our nights playing cards as a group by the light of candles. Very intimate - but also loads of fun to just spend that time together.

As for 'work' - this wasn't as busy as last week. I'll do a quick run down.

Saturday night - arrived at about 4pm to children singing to us in welcome. Just amazed by all the muzungus running around. Dinner with the captains, devotions, and then bed.

Sunday - Sunday school with about 30 kids at 8:30am for an hour (bible story, game and songs). Church at 10 til about 12 noon (Sharon from our team lead the service). We were each made a gift to take home with us. Kids club in the afternoon with about 120 kids for an hour (games and songs).

Monday - Went to a school and a health care clinic. The health care clinic was AWESOME - nutrition, triage, HIV/AIDS and a maternity wing. The maternity wing is run by a Spanish Nurse Midwife who has been there for about 30 years. She is just awesome. I would love to have had more time here. They do an amazing work. This was the night we began having card games together, and it has been some of the funniest times we've had all trip.

Tuesday - Home League (Women's Bible Study) in the morning. Were able to experience some traditional dance, which was so great to watch. Also were able to purchase some crafts and handiworks to take home. In the afternoon we climbed this mountain - the girls IN SKIRTS. It was SO hard doing it, but so worth it when we got to the top - amazing views of one of the rivers that lead into the nile, heaps of mountains, and also got to spend time with villagers who live up there. Took lots of photos.

Wednesday - went to a nearby Corps (Church) outpost in Bitare. Another climb (not as strenuous) to an ancient burial ground behind the corps, which had these massive outcroppings of limestone rock. Again an awesome view. In the afternoon had an Officers Meeting (Ordained Ministers) meeting back in Kyenzi, which was another bible study-type event, but with q&a time with us about Australia.

Thursday - Visited the preschool on the Corps grounds in the morning, and then left for Muhunga in the afternoon.

I should also add that we were very blessed at the Corps - we were expecting to all sleep on the floor of the Church, but they had small rooms (girls were 2 to a room, boys all shared together in a room, Paul & Kirsten had their own room at the Corps Officers house) for us, inclusive of proper beds, bedding and privacy.

It became very difficult during this time to deal with the 'celebrity' status we had. Although the kids were awesome, it was very hard to always come out to stacks of kids at your doorstep at all hours of the day and night. It was sweet, and we were always gracious, but sometimes you just long for your own space, away from being prodded and laughed at (because you look so weird to everyone else), and people hanging off your windows desperate to see you at any opportunity.

The kids however are awesome. We got stacks of cuddles from the preschoolers on the Corps campus, and they always had a smile for us. Some of those memories will last me a lifetime.

We all shared our testimony during this time as well, and it really bonded us. Some of us shed lots of tears and were very 'tender' during this time, so it was great to be able to lean on one another to get through it.

So that was Kyenzi. Very special, very unique, loads of fun, but also very stretching for all of us.

And today we arrived in Muhunga, having NO idea what to expect. And can I just say that we are SOOOOO blessed.

We each have our own private room with ensuite; mosquito nets, heating, and flushable toilets and working showers! The hot water doesn't last for too long, but we aren't complaining. I was like a kid at Christmas being able to wash my hair again and soak in a hot shower. Not to mention having my own space again - that's indescribable right now! You really beging to treasure those little things in places like this.

Muhunga is a fairly large town - not quite as big as Kigali, but has all the mod cons like electricity, heating and internet, as well as supermarkets and petrol stations (none of which Kyenzi had). It's almost like reappearing on eath, in some ways.

Our schedule for the next few days goes like this.

Today (Thursday): Free time. Did washing, internet, had dinner, sleep.

Friday: Visitation time with Corps in morning, nothing in afternoon/night.

Saturday: Visitation time with Corps (around Muhunga) in morning, Kids Club in the afternoon. Nothing at night.

Sunday: Church in the morning. Nothing in afternoon/night.

Monday: Leave around 10am for Kigali. Day one of debrief.

There's no pressing needs prayer-wise for this time in Muhunga. I guess the one selfish thing is we would all like steady hot water and good sleeps, but that's not that urgent. On a 'work' side of things, please pray that we keep investing in those around us positively, always wait on God during this time, and that we still keep on building awesome relationships. We have thus far, and it's been amazing.

Some of you have asked the following, so I'll answer:

Are you doing any medical work? No, not really. We did get to visit a health clinic briefly, and we will see another during a Compassion Village (like World Vision) next Thursday; but I'm not 'working' per se - just observing. Pretty much all of our time has been mapped out by the Corps (Salvo Churches) we visit, so it involves a lot of 'meet and greets' with people attached to the Corps, or who are being impacted on by the Corps (children, women around the area, clinics/schools that have been set up, rehoming places, etc).

What has been the best thing I've done? This is such a hard question to answer. There has been so much. Things that stick out is some of the community 'walks' we've done - just going out into the village, shaking the villagers hands, saying hello to them and just seeing how they live has been such an amazing thing for me. The health clinic, even though our visit was short, sticks out as well.

What has been the hardest? Probably just waiting on God to tell me why I'm here. It was very clear that I had to come - but there's no long-term purpose that I can see right now. I feel this trip has set 'something' in motion, but I don't know what that 'something' is yet. I've been learning a lot of patience and just taking things 'day to day' (hard for someone who plans to the nth degree); and maybe that's the biggest thing I will take from this trip. I was really worried about this a few days into the trip - but now I just have faith God will show me what the 'big picture' is, when I am ready to know it.

Do I miss home? Yes and no. I have missed Brad, and there's loads I wish he could share with me, but I know this trip was for *me*, and for God to work in *me*. And it was probably a good time for Brad as well, back home, but in all honesty I don't really miss much about home, apart from Brad.

So there's my windup of the last 6 days. God bless you all, I hope you are well, and I will email again probably back in Kigali.

*****

23 Jan 2008

Muraho to all; apologies if there are spelling mistakes, again a french keyboard and some of the keys dont use the icons they say they do!

We have just said goodbye to 2 of our team as they begin their journey home. It is hard to believe that we are on the home stretch all ready; it feels like we only just started.

Muhunga was very different to what we expected. It is a new "outpost" (4 months old), yet it all ready has 50 regular attenders. There were quite a few more during the service we attended, probably due to us; but we hope and pray they continue to attend now, and that the Corps will flourish.

We came back to Kigali on Sunday afternoon instead of Monday morning, as it was easier for debrief to arrive earlier. Monday and Tuesday were mainly debriefing sessions (4 in total), as well as some shopping expeditions to purchase gifts and souvenirs, and seeing places of interest like Hotel Des Mille Collines (Hotel Rwanda), and the Belgian Memorial (for the 10 UN peacekeepers murdered whilst protecting the Prime Minister). There is a touch of sadness as we do all this "final" stuff, as we know our farewells from this amazing land are not far off. We could not have imagined how much we fell in love with the people and the country here. There is so much peace, joy and love as we have experienced the Rwandaise people and environment, and we have been humbled by their sacrifice and service towards us.

There is lots for me to process as I return home. There is a clear calling for me to return here; however in what way, when and in what context is still to be revealed. This will probably be my last email from Rwanda; so please pray for the following:

* Home in one piece. No lost luggage, no breakages, no sudden detours to places like New York or London!

* A clear direction as to Brad's and my next step. This is for both of us and not just me. For a revelation as to what Rwanda means for the two of us. For clarity in my thoughts as I discuss my journey with Brad and for what that means for the future.

* To stay healthy. I have thus far and it needs to continue.

* For God to show me how best to share my experience with others (Church; family; friends; work).

Today we will do the last bits of shopping and finalise flights and whatnot. Tomorrow we spend the day at a Compassion project. Friday morning Paul and Kirsten leave; and the rest leave at 5pm (1am Saturday Brisbane time). Flights are via Ethiopia, Bangkok, Hong Kong & Cairns before arrival in Brisbane around lunch time on Sunday. Brad and I will be uncontactable for the next few days, but I will be in contact on the Thursday, most probably. I will be at Church on the next Sunday and would love to catch up with the NBCers at that point. Lunch or coffee would be a great way to connect!

Anyway, time to go again. Big hugs to all and next time we speak I'll be back in Oz. WOW!

*****

And that was my time in Rwanda! Hope you enjoyed the read, I will be posting debrief notes soon, with photos of my time away.

Back from Rwanda - posting my journal

Muraho!

It has been a long time since I last wrote - and I'm going to start up again with my updates from my trip to Rwanda.

From 4-25 January 2008 I was part of a Salvation Army Mission Outreach to Rwanda. We went to 3 areas - Kigali (capital), Kyenzi (a mountainous rural area) and Muhunga (a small town, yet with facilities very similar to Kyenzi). Each area we were connected up with a Corps (a Salvation Army church) and built relationships with the people of Rwanda, not to mention run a conference for Salvation Army leaders of Children/Youth/Creative Ministries for the first week!

There were 9 of us in total from Brisbane, Sunshine Coast, Sydney and Melbourne, ranging in ages from early twenties to late forties.

Anyway, that's enough of a background - let's move on to the journal entries, as sent to relatives and friends.

The dichotomy of me

Today has been one of those 'inspired' days, that come very few and far between. I have a number of projects that I suddenly get inspired to do work on - and I go off and running with them.

Something I've come to know about myself with this, however, is that I often stop myself from completing the project long before I can even start it.

Why? Because I get conflicted with what I want to say, and how I think my friends and family will take it.

This is where I get vulnerable, and am more likely to abandon the project, then actually do anything with it.

Perfect example is the area of Women's Health and Sexuality.

Anyone who has had ANYTHING to do with the Christian Church, knows this is a sadly underdiscussed topic. For whatever reason, sex would be one of the VERY last things a Church would discuss, more often than not.

Now, with my career and interaction with young women (married and unmarried) - I see this as a great big gaping hole in Church, and somewhere where I believe I have the knowledge and enthusiasm to be able to do something about it.

Yet something always stops me. Fear. Fear that even though my friends love me and support me and encourage me - if I open up and lead a discussion/small group session on sex, noone will take anything from it, and that the topic will be embarrassingly left alone and relegated to the 'too hard' basket.

And I'm in that place again. I've been given the opportunity to speak to people about running a 'girls only' event where sexuality, sexual intimacy and sexual health can be talked about in a safe, secure, fun environment - yet I'm so 'arg' about it, I don't even know if I can get it off the ground.

I want to do it, I think it is desperately needed, yet I sit here frozen.

So if anyone out there reading my blog would like to give me some encouragement, advice, or real-life stories on how they did this AND SUCCEEDED - you have just become my new best friend.

I am 'lesson planning' this all through the next week, and will be discussing it with the small groups leader on Friday (who all ready sounds keen for it), so if you could keep me in the back of your head and offer encouragement and prayers, I'd really appreciate it.

This is really stepping out into something I've wanted to do for a long time, but is very new territory for the young women I socialise with. I will keep blogging with updates as to how this goes.

Grieving

I had a friend die suddenly last week.

She was funny, beautiful, loyal and everyone gravitated to her. Her work ethic was superb, and although an amazingly strong Christian - she never once alienated people with it, or made out that she was 'better' than anyone else because of it. She was someone I admired, looked up to, and hoped to be like when I was in that stage of life (she was in her mid-40s).

I think it hit me so hard for a number of reasons. The main one was she got married early this year, to a man that supported her in everything, and completely adored her. To die so quickly after marriage - I couldn't help thinking how unfair that is, when everything just seems to be finally working out for someone.

I am thankful, however, that my last memories of her are beautiful ones. Sitting watching DVDs over night duty, laughing our heads off at the stupid things we see and say each day at work - often the most mundane, trivial, bizarre things, that only medical personnel would find funny.

Her funeral was amazing. To get know 'the other side' of a person, and really see how much of an impact she had on everyone (and not just those at work), really blessed me. To see a Church family gather around itself and mourn, yet celebrate a life in Heaven at the same time - it really impacted me. I think it shocked a few people at work (not many were aware of her deep ties to her Christian faith); but to see such joy at the time of such grief - it really made me remember what I'm ultimately here on earth for.

But, I'm grieving. I don't understand why this happens, and to be honest - I've been a bit mad at God about it.

The thing is though - I think He gets that. I think He wants me to be real about these emotions to Him. I think He loves me even despite my 'I don't understand you' debates with Him this week. I think it makes my faith more 'real', having that opportunity to really 'slug it out' with God every so often. Hey - Jacob, David and Job did it, so I think it's expected.

But, I'm grieving. Someone's gone from my life, and left a rather exposed hole right now.

God bless you Bron. I'll see you soon.