The Hermit Arises

I often find myself alone.

It doesn't really bother me that much. I am a loner, always have been, and I quite like being by myself. I think it's because I was an only child. I learnt early on how to keep myself entertained. I recharge best when I'm on my own; and I can only take large groups in small doses. I'm much happier in a group if there's only 2 or 3 of us, and it's relatively quiet.

Thing is though, it can tend to isolate me from others. I don't get invited out much to things, and I find myself just hanging out with Brad, most of the time.

Being involved in a Church can make this personality trait quite interesting. It's all about groups and fellowship and 'connectedness', and something I regularly hear - 'God made us for fellowship'.

I don't feel made for fellowship. Or rather - I don't feel made for the fellowship often described. Large group things like a Church service or Womens Group or the like. The best fellowship for me is with one or two friends around for coffee or a swim or a day trip. Or a picnic bible study with 2 or 3 friends.

It's an interesting thing, being a Christian who doesn't appreciate large groups. To be honest, I'll often skip Church due to it all being too much to handle; or find myself longing for some quiet and space whilst I'm there.

As a result, not many people know much about me. I'm a bit like the strange Aunty everyone knows is there, but doesn't know what to do with.

I don't think it's wrong to be this way. I think it's misunderstood by a lot of people. I think I come across like a snob or rude, or just 'weird'. Especially when I'm with a lot of people.

I feel a lot of pressure from others to be social and involved. I don't quite know how to deal with that. I put myself out there, and I do try to get involved; but it just exhausts me. I do like being out with a small group of friends; and it hurts when I read facebook updates and know that I've been left out of an outing again. It's not a nice feeling. It's noone's fault (I am fairly certain most people wouldn't think of me when they think of doing something); but it bugs me.

I guess when this year rolled around, it made me think of things that disappointed me about last year. A big one was to do with my lack of friends. Although I have people I call 'friends'; we really don't have that connectedness that most friends would have.

Maybe that's my resolution for 2009. Make a concerted effort to connect better, and have a 'best friend'. That'd be nice.