How to tell an infertile woman about your pregnancy

I recently read an article about how to tell someone struggling to fall pregnant that you're pregnant. It was exceptionally funny, yet heartbreakingly honest at the same time.

Due to issues of copyright, worries about language and not being ENTIRELY relevant to me, I'm not going to post that article. However it did make me think about my own feelings, and how I'd want someone to treat me, after announcing their pregnancy. And it also made me think of how some of my friends struggling with LONG TERM trying to conceive and/or utilising Artificial Reproductive Techonologies feel about certain comments, suggestions and reactions.

* Please don't downplay your pregnancy. I AM happy for you. In some cases, absolutely thrilled. Please be genuine and be happy and not think you have to be solemn about it, in front of me.

* Please be sensitive. You may see a flicker of pain go across my face - don't feel guilty. Just know that I am wishing for the billionth time that it was me, and that it does hurt sometimes, knowing that someone else has got what I want more than anything.

* Please give me some space for a bit. Yes, I probably will go home and cry for a bit. Yes, it might take a little bit for me to be happy for you. Trust me - I feel as bad about my reaction as you probably feel about the fact I'm not pregnant yet.

* Sometimes, telling me 'how' things happened, really hurts. I don't need to hear that you weren't trying, or that it happened when you were on birth control, or that it was your second/third cycle. I know second or third cycle may have felt like ages for you - but I'd give anything to have fallen that quickly.

* Please don't send on platitudes like 'it'll be your turn next' or 'you've got plenty of time'. Whilst it makes sense to try and reassure someone that they haven't run out of time - it's not always the case. Some of us struggle with real issues like needing IVF, or going through early menopause - and those wellwishes often end up being anything but. Just quietly - some days I might want to smack you into next week with a comment like that. I won't do it - but I will think it at least once.

* Please be gentle with your advice. Some of us HAVE tried to relax, try every second day, measure our temps and cervical mucous and cervical position and have thousands of Ovulation Prediction Tests at our disposal. We know about having men wear boxers, and lying down for 30 minutes afterwards, and trying not to think about it. We know all about the diet recommendations, and have avoided alcohol/caffeine/sugar/brie/deli meats/salad bars. Some of us have tried both Western and Eastern medicine to help. We've heard all the stories of people who went to a fertility specialist and were all ready pregnant at that point. We know all about the woman who was on the adoption list, and then miraculously fell pregnant.

* Thoughts like 'it's in the universe's hands' or 'God is in control', whilst often exceptionally true, don't often act like a salve to our battered hearts and emotions. Many of us have lain prone on the floor for hours, crying out to God to ask Him what He wants from us. A lot of us have our faith and hold onto it daily - but we still hurt. We still cry. We still think it unfair. We still ask God why the child abuser could fall pregnant, and we can't. Why we are going through this. Most of us still don't have an answer.

* Please don't think I've lost my faith or don't believe God can do miracles. We haven't, and we do. We just know that everytime we see a negative test result, or get another month of bleeding, or have to fork out another four figured sum to try another implantation - it hurts.


This piece isn't to make anyone feel guilty, or to let me get away with a pity party. It's just I know a lot of women on both sides of the fence (facing difficult reproduction issues/not knowing what to say to someone who has those issues), and thought this post might help both sides.

Sending lots of hugs to all my beautiful girlfriends on both sides of the issue. God bless you all, and I pray for a miracle to all my LTTTCers, ARTers and everyone who is faced with the struggle of infertility, miscarriage and bodies which just don't act like they are supposed to.

(((hug)))