Time to Say Goodbye (but not forever!)

B and I have been so blessed to know and develop a deep friendship with Bek and Dion Allen. We all met at the same time (just over seven years ago), and have been best friends ever since. We've watched each other get engaged, gone to each other's weddings (and have some great bridesmaid/groomsmen photos to boot!), played soccer/watched our men play soccer every Saturday during summer, and engaged in too many Killer Bunny and Risk games to count.

And today we said goodbye as our two bestest friends flew out of the country and into 12 months work at VANA, Zimbabwe.

(You can read more about VANA if you go to the website located on the right hand side of my blog).

Listening to Peter's last minute advice


Kyndral made an appearance too


I think Dion might have considered infant smuggling at this point


Andrew and Nic said goodbye too (all the while making sure their daughter wasn't being taken as carry on luggage!)


Peter shares scripture and a prayer with the departing couple


And then it was time to say goodbye.

Dion, as always, has to add his own 'special blend' to photos. Not unlike his best mate, come to think of it.


Bek: Can I take her with me?
Sasch: I'm in! Don't think QANTAS will like it though...





Goodbye guys - we promise weekly emails, treats in the mail, decent phonecalls and Cape Town in October! It's a date!

Just a Girl (or maybe not)

I admit I'm a bit anxious about writing this post. It's another one of those posts where I feel I'm stripping away part of my 'mask' and the fall-out could be interesting.

Every now and then, I'll get an odd comment coming my way. Usually something to do with the fact that I don't appear to be 'feminine'. That I seem different to most women out there. That I seem to be running from my 'inherent femaleness' (I didn't make that up - someone actually said that to me).

I guess I get amused by comments like that. And then I get angry.

If you know me well, you know that stereotypes (particularly when it involves gender; and ESPECIALLY when the word 'Biblical' or 'Godly' gets tagged onto that) really, REALLY annoy me.

I know I'm going to be sitting through a 'what men want' discussion in my near future - and I'll admit that the idea makes me shudder. Simply because, from my experience thus far, it doesn't seem to match what my husband wants or likes or feels. Usually, the 'what men want' discussions and books freak me out - because they are more likely to describe ME!


And last I checked... I'm a girl.


I remember back when we were doing our premarital discussions and reading a lot of books about men and women and marriage, and most of them annoyed us. There were all these discussions of roles and needs and what was 'normal'; and it really just didn't fit with the people B and I were.

The things B was supposed to want - I wanted. The things I was supposed to need - B needed. I was the one with the higher sex drive. He was the one who needed more romance. I hate cooking. He loves it. He loves Jane Austen more than I do! And I'm the one with the more advanced phone (although he's not that far behind me now).

B and I don't believe in 'roles'. Apart from the Great Commission and Acts 1:8 ones, that is. We both are submitted to one another in our marriage. The only one who leads is God. The person who makes the final decision in our household generally is the one that

a) Knows the most about the issue
b) Is going to be the most influenced by the decision
c) Cares the most about it

But in those rare times that we can't agree on a decision (or work out who SHOULD have the final say) - we just don't make a decision. Not until we are both in agreement; and would agree with that decision even if the other person wasn't involved in the discussion. It's very rare that we don't agree quickly - but thus far, this approach (not deciding until we both agree the same way) works wonderfully.

We did try the whole 'man is the leader of the house' idea when we first got married. Simply because we were told that was what we should do, if we wanted a Godly household. It didn't go so well. In fact, it nearly destroyed our relationship.

So now, we just do things according to our personalities and interests and what each other is good at. Irrespective of our gender. And it works fantastically.

*****

And then you get to what girls usually talk about. I'll admit - most of these conversations make me want to tear my hair out! It's always been like this. I remember at school writing in my diary how inane girl conversations were and how much I wish I could hang out with the boys more.

I relate much better to guys. I love talking about technology and trucks and combat strategy and 'changing the world'. And guys debate SO much better! You can rip each other's arguments to shreds, and still walk away good friends. With girls, that can be really difficult.

And I don't get the giggling about sex and periods and those other taboo topics. It's probably because of my job - I talk about sex and reproduction all day EVERY day, that it's almost second nature. Sadly, I've gotten into trouble over this more than once. When I hear girls groups talk about sex and the menstrual cycle, I often have to excuse myself cos I just can't deal with the giggling and blushing and stammering! It really annoys me.

*****

And then we get to the clothing.

I hate most girls fashion and makeup. It just seems like SUCH a waste of time! I could spend an hour in the bathroom - if I wanted to torture myself *grin*,

But when I 'go girly' - I go WEIRD girly. Like the full on corset and velvet skirt and punk-style knee high boots. And the makeup - blood red lips; jet black eye makeup and very burlesque/goth.

*****

And the hair. I hate long hair. I hate styling my hair. Just brush it and get on with it.

But, If I'm going to 'do' my hair - it's going to look like a pixie and either be red-purple or black-blue. Something decidedly 'ungirly'.

*****

I remember growing up feeling like God had put me in the wrong body. That I was supposed to be a boy. Especially when I started reading books about what women wanted, what boys wanted, and what a Godly wife looked like. I really struggled with this. Especially as everything they said a man would want/like/need was what I wanted/liked/needed. It was so strange!

It took me a while to get over that. I had to get to know a whole different group of men and women to see that I wasn't alone, and that there was nothing unGodly about the way I carried out my life. That I wasn't *wrong* simply because I didn't enjoy the things girls were *supposed* to

I'm a lot more confident now. I still have to be careful not to be so worried about what others will think. And I am learning to speak up if I disagree with a stereotype.

I still freak people out. I think a lot of people see that I don't fit the 'box' all that well and due to teachings and upbringing think I must be waylaid somehow.

Rest assured I'm not. I'm just different. God made me very different to most girls! It's pretty cool actually.

I think being like this helps me reach out to girls who feel a bit 'different'. Who wonder if their thoughts and emotions and desires are 'wrong' simply because they are usually prescribed to the men of our world. There's a lot of girls struggling out there because of these stereotypes. Especially in the Church. I wish I could tell them all that it's okay not to fit a stereotype. Hopefully they will get to know people who can share this with them in a way that makes sense.

I'm not about to change. Let's rip the box apart, shall we? HEE HEE!

Broken Body

I was hoping to tell Karen I was pregnant by the time this holiday rolled around. She was hoping I would be too. Instead, I'm on another course of drugs to try and 'fix' me. One day...

I promised myself I wouldn't turn this blog into a discussion of how much I want a baby. And how hard it is to watch others experience that wonderful journey. And how much I hate my body for not doing what is supposed to come naturally to it.

I can't begin to describe how hard it is to keep that part of my life private. Each of my posts lately I've gone to write something, only to erase it at the last moment. Usually because I think I'll come across as bitter to my pregnant friends; or as a massive whinger to those girls I know who struggle much more than I do.

I never really share how much I want a baby. For ages that was because I hated that I'd turned into one of 'those' girls. Now it's just because there's nothing I can do about it. Wanting a baby doesn't mean I get one.

And I'm so tired of the mantra my heart has adopted as its own. I want a baby. I want a baby. I want a baby. It never lets up. Obviously it doesn't help going to work every day to help other women have a baby. Or the fact that Church is overflowing with newborns and pregnancies right now. Some days are really tough.

I hate the drugs. Right now they don't seem to have worked. And the side-effects were awful. Moodiness so bad I felt like a coiled spring ready to snap every day. Insomnia. Horrible cramps. Migraines. Bloating (enough to have people convinced I was pregnant). Nausea. Overdose of Gastro. I almost gave up. With my body not responding to them, I'm wondering why the heck I put myself through it.

I thought having a baby would be easy. You stop contraception, you have sex, you fall pregnant. That's what you get told, right?

I guess the one thing I am thankful about is the fact I found out early on why things weren't 'normal'. That I had a doctor who was willing to do every test in the book to work out what was going on. That I now know that simply having unprotected sex won't get me pregnant. That my body is stuffed up, and needs drugs to help it do what it's supposed to. That I know what I have to do in order to fall pregnant.

I'm glad that a lot of the serious concerns got ruled out. We were told a lot of possibilities, and to be left with just one thing wrong (instead of four) is good news. Still painful to know I'm a bit faulty - but it could have been so much worse.

I'm glad that it's all to do with me. That Brad got the all clear. That we didn't have to deal with that as well. I always knew it was just going to be me; but it was nice to have that medically confirmed as well.

So I do give thanks in all of this. Small mercies are good things. I hold onto them with such tenacity!

One day...

On Holidays!

Hmmm... seems like only yesterday I was writing a post saying we were off to Fiji!

Tomorrow we're off driving for about 9 hours. We've rented a beach house with Scott and Karen (Brad's brother and his wife) and their children (3 and eighteen months respectively) about 3 hours north of Sydney and will be there for the next week or so.

I can't wait to reach the beach! I spent the first ten years of my life living only a short walk from the beach, and fell asleep every night listening to the waves; so the beach is in my blood. Spending a week on one will be heaven on earth.

I am so blessed to be a part of this family. I remember mum praying that I'd marry into a great family - and I definitely have. I adore Scott and Karen and Zee and Joe; and I miss them so much! We last saw them in December, and it's been far too long. It's time for cuddles and story telling and good wine and great chats with Karen - all things that should be in my life more often!

A Night with the UN

Tonight we attended a meeting run by Australia for UNHCR.

Australia for United Nations High Council for Refugees helps raise funds for refugee programs run by the UNHCR. Brad is a financial supporter of this NGO, and so has the opportunity to attend meetings like this and learn more about their work with refugees in various developing nations.

This evenings session involved two staff members giving us a report of their time visiting IDP camps in Uganda, Southern Sudan and Thailand. They were accompanied by some amazing photos and even video of one family group as they were able to return to their home village in Sudan.

I was able to speak to one of the leaders after the session, and found a 'kindred spirit' when it comes to an interest for Rwanda and Africa in total. I sometimes find it hard to share my passion with other people, and to find someone who understands it and was as interested in the topic as I am was a highlight of the evening. She has encouraged me to stay in contact with her, and is very willing to give me more information about the UNHCR and various projects they run in Uganda and DRC in particular.

I always get pretty excited when I'm made aware of events like this and can actually attend. I have been given the opportunity to meet some amazing people at events like this, and always feel I've gotten a little bit closer to realising the dreams God has put inside of me as a result.

Manifesto

Flat. Empty. Alone. Sad.

I'm in a bit of a funk today. Not quite sure why. Well, actually - that's not true. There's been a few things in the last week that have just left me feeling a bit dissatisfied with events going on, and wondering whether the effort I'm putting into things is really worth it in the long run.

Anyway, B and I are discussing our future a bit lately, and what we're going to keep in our lives, what we're going to get rid of, and what we're going to build on. These kinds of conversations are quite tough, as it can involve removing things that once meant a lot to us, but now are holding us back. And considering I am very aware of other people's opinions and attitudes, I know that a couple of these changes affect others, and could paint me in a bad light as a result.

I'm learning to not let that bother me so much. I used to be so laden down with wondering what others would think of me, that I often put off decisions that should have been made right then and there.

There's things that should have been discarded a long time ago. There are things I should have introduced to my life a lot earlier. There are parts of my life that are stagnating, and need to be built on further. Needless to say, with all this change, I feel a bit like a caterpillar undergoing her metamorphosis.

It's lead me to a project that, when completed, will probably give me a bit of a plan with regards to my future, the paths I take and the people I build relationship with.

Using various mediums, I am expanding on the following statements:

* Who I am

* Who I'm not

* Who I want to be


It may seem fairly simple and almost silly to put so much time into an activity like this. But there is a certain power in creating something visual that I have to walk past and be confronted with as I go about my daily tasks. Accountability. Brutal honesty with myself. A kick in the backside to make sure everything I do; everything I say; everything I fill my life with matches up with the 'manifesto' I've created for myself.

You'll probably see a bit of my project on here. Perhaps a picture, or a statement I've written down, or a task I'm completing that gets me further down the path I want to be on.

Some might call this Saturn's return. Others might call it a New Years Resolution. Me? I just call it being honest with myself, and ensuring every facet of my life reflects what I want most out of life.

Cut out the chaff; embrace the treasures; and move forward into something greater.

January in Review

January was quite a nice month in the Harder household. Hard to believe it's gone all ready - I think I'm getting old!


We saw my parents a couple of times - once for lunch to celebrate my stepbrother's 29th birthday; and then a lovely family get-together up at Bribie Island with my Aunt & Uncle, cousins and second cousins.






On my days off I like to go for really long drives, so the middle of January saw us pack up the car and go on a mystery drive. Stopped in at Mount Glorious for lunch, and then had a nice relaxing drive home via Somerset Dam and Kilcoy.






Brad and I also went to "Game On" at the State Library. They have set up an exhibition of computer games from the 70s right through to the latest Wii games; so Brad was in seventh heaven! He managed to get the highest score on Asteroids, whilst I didn't do too badly on the Tetris front. It took all our will power to leave - completely addictive, and I think we'd go back again if time allowed!








I guess the best thing about January was booking my trip to Cape Town. I'd been at a bit of a loose end with what to plan for and look forward to - and having this trip become a reality has saved my sanity in more ways than one. My flights, accommodation and conference registration are now all booked and paid, so I have 242 sleeps to go (not that anyone is counting!!).



I had my January appointment with our fertility specialist and was given all the results and options available to us. Right now we are regrouping, I'm dosed up on drugs and we're mustering up the enthusiasm to undertake the next phase of treatment to try and get our baby.




As for February, Brad turns 34 on the 15th, and we have a week's holiday with Scott and Karen and the kids (Brad's brother and family) down on the mid-north coast of NSW. We've hired a beach-house, and I think my plans pretty much just involve the beach!