I was originally going to title this 'In the Storm', because that's what the last two weeks have been like.
After the Taylor's died, I honestly felt like God had decided to put his combat boots on and starting kicking my backside like never before. People talk about wakeup calls, and how it motivates them to do better and be better - that's what it was like. This was the trumpet sounding before the great assault.
And then more stuff happened. Little things. Scary things. Stuff that makes you wonder where the hell is God in all of this? It's not too much longer before you realise that God is right there, even when you can't see Him. That His hand is holding you up in the midst of the fury.
I cried a lot this last fortnight. Most people assumed it was grief, and yes, that did play a part in it. But more than that, it was the Holy Spirit gently pulling away some layers from me that I never knew existed. There's pain involved whenever God does this stuff inside you, and I was feeling a lot of pain as He reached in. But this was pain due to healing, and I had to go through it in order to grow.
I've felt like I've been stuck in a holding pattern for a long time. Coming home from Rwanda, I knew I was having to wait on God before going ahead and starting the process of serving the Rwandaise. Infertility puts you in a holding pattern, as too many of my friends are well aware of. When you are considering another person in all of this, such as a spouse, holding patterns increase even more.
But I know now that the season for holding patterns has gone. That I'm being asked to activate the vision I've had for so long. That there are no more excuses to hold me back. That I have been asked to serve, and the time for serving is now.
It's hard to articulate exactly how this makes me feel. There's still a lot of unanswered prayer out there, as it's never as simple as just going. There's a lot of barriers between here and there, that noone but God is going to be able to take down.
Am I scared? Yes
Am I unsure of my next step? Yes
Does this seem impossible? Yes
I don't have any easy answers for any of this stuff. I just know that I'm being told that now is the time to get my calling to Rwanda off the ground. And I'm holding on to God to show me exactly the path that I should take to get there.
Would you pray with me?
2 comments:
I'm praying with you gorgeous
Hey My Precious One - I'm praying for you each day - knowing that God had a special plan for you and Africa from when you were eight years old and saving all your pocket money to get there, which you eventually did in 2001! You never spent a cent on yourself, only on others as the need arose for birthdays and Christmas, but the rest of your hard earned money was safely stored in your bank account, waiting for the dream He had put in your spirit to come true. God bless you and that wonderful hubby of yours, as you wait on God's plans for both of your futures ... Love you so much, your Mum xxxx
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